I remember smoking my first joint in high school. I was just a freshman and I wanted to be cool. I learned that it takes more than smoking a joint to be one of the cool kids, but I kept on smoking because it numbed the pain of not fitting in. By my junior year I had tried a number of inexpensive alternatives like glue, cold medicine, and pills that I would swipe from my grandparents. I hid my drug habit from my parents.
Amazingly I graduated in the top third of my class and went away to college. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find my niche. So I stayed a loaner and found out where to buy pot in town. I graduated on time, but finding a job became difficult after college. More and more I retreated into my own world, smoking from the moment I woke in the morning until I went to bed each night. I have no idea how I got anything accomplished.
There are many different symptoms that people with addictions deal with every day. For me, I never had the courage or strength of character to fight for myself. I found myself lying to my family and my friends. I discovered that I had attained a tremor in my hands that always affected me when I went too long without some type of addictive substance. My vicious cycle had no end in sight.
I don’t know what made me attend my ten year high school reunion, but that day changed my life. I was still the stoner from high school, but the other guys that I would sometimes smoke with had all cleaned up their acts. All but one, and he had overdosed a few years back. I didn’t know about that until that day. When I went outside to smoke a joint, one of my old smoking buddies followed me. He handed me a card to a rehab center that had turned his life around.
I am sitting here with shaking hands looking at that card that may have just saved my life. Making that phone call was hard, but I know I am in the right place for the first time in my life. It is time to discover who I am and who I really want to be. Am I scared? Yes, but I am not alone anymore.