Been away for a while.. Busy busy with work and life and all it brings . Not been easy.. Struggles with money, marriage, mothers , mothers—- in law. Sometimes you just want to be left alone. Really? Isolation is toxic . Can be surrounded by people and yet still feel alone. Not going to enough meetings lately. But that will be taken care of tomorrow. I have not struggled at all with wanting to drink . Just with everything else. But what comes first, the chicken or the proverbial egg?
Everyday reveals something else. Actually realizing and accepting that I was a DISASTER. The things I did.. Every where I go , everything bar I pass, every time someone gives me that look as if they know what I was. Like a Scarlet Letter. But it’s time to get over it. I’m not that important.
Every bartender within a 10 mile radius knows me, or knew me, as my husband checks around because if his lack of trust .. Bartenders now reveal my secret since I’m sober. He checked everywhere. I never hung out.. The queen of hitting a bar for a double vodka neat..and sometimes two.. But nothing odious.. No hanging with strangers .. It was all about the drink. Two shots and gone. I was pretty embarrassed that everyone knew. My big secret. As I ran around passing out on the street. Secret? Really? But you know what ? I’m holding,my head up. The awful monkey is off my back . He could be anywhere tho..
So I look at these old haunts and just know .. I ain’t going there again … And that’s a good thing . No sneaking airplane bottles of vodka. Or 3, or 4!
into a Starbucks bathroom , behind a tree, riding a bicycle with a fifth of vodka in my back pack sick sick sick. That’s over… But never stop looking over my shoulder…… Always keep looking, it can creep up like a plague coming after you….
Don’t drink and get to a meeting. I’m on my way. I hang onto this cup. It’s filled with ice coffee not vodka….for me, it’s a symbol.
Of hope…